The Road to Black: Automated phone systems don't play nice with children

Online banking hiccuped this morning, and the website told me to call their online banking hotline. Here is a transcript:

PHONE RECORDING: Welcome to phone banking! Para español, diga espa—
BABY (sitting on my lap): Gaaaah gah!
PHONE RECORDING: (pause) ...Welcome to phone ban—
BABY: Heeehhh!
PHONE RECORDING: You selected mobile banking. Mobile banking options:
ME: Unprintable *hangs up and redials*
PHONE RECORDING: Welcome to phone banking! Para español, diga español. What is the reason you are calling today?
PRESCHOOLER: *swings his toy golf club at the cat*
ME: Cut it out!
PHONE RECORDING: (pause) ...I'm sorry, I didn't understand that. What is the reason you are calling today?
ME: (speaking slowly and clearly) Can't access account online.
PRESCHOOLER: (simultaneously) Mama, watch this!
PHONE RECORDING: I understand you are having trouble with your debit card. Please—
ME: No!
PHONE RECORDING: (pause) ...Okay. Let's try again. What is the reason you are calling today?
BABY: Ehhhhhh haaahh!
PHONE RECORDING: (pause) ...I'm sorry, I didn't understand that. What is—
ME: Unprintable

And this is why automated phone systems should stick to "Press one for..."